There’s a lot of to love about living a few doors down from your local cinema. One huge one is that on a whim - especially when eight dollar tickets are rumoured to roam the lobby halls - I can decide to sit down and watch a movie on the big screen. So, what better way to spend my sunshine filled morning than to lounge in a dark room for an hour or two.

Arriving at around eleven, I had two choices for today. Past Lives, the critically acclaimed debut from Celine Song, or yet another unnecessary Disney reboot; something I could have watched from home in a month’s time. Guess what my stupid arse picked?

Now let’s be fair, I didn’t want to immediately jump on the Disney hate train, I was hoping the stacked cast (Danny DeVito and Owen Wilson in the same picture!) would help carry most of the runtime. I was especially excited to see LaKeith Stanfield in a leading role again, as I absolutely adored him in Sorry to Bother You (2018), and with the right director, he’s definitely capable of giving an otherworldly performance. But as unfortunate as it is to write, Haunted Mansion is the film equivalent of a wad of melted candy: strange to look at and probably not safe to consume.

I can’t exactly criticise the visuals, as VFX artists don’t get paid enough for audience members to complain about shoddy CGI. If you want to complain, take it up with the execs. As long as it captured the jankiness of the original ride that’s all that mattered as far as I’m concerned. However, kids movie or no, I will never forgive its by the numbers storytelling. Powerful performances and monologues about lost loved ones are all well and good, but when its shoehorned exactly when it’s relevant and not when it’s needed creates a bland experience. And it seems Katie Dippold - or more likely the Disney execs that shadowed her - learned nothing from Ghostbusters (2016) (also an amazing cast poorly utilised).

As it’s not enough to just have craft. You can be hitting all the beats and still not be making art. Arguably the film structure is “there” in the same way your dead grandma is “there” in the room with you. You feel them because you’ve been told to feel them. Stanfield has a dead wife and a future wife and son with a dead husband/Dad to fill the void by the end credits, but the dynamic feels obvious and transparent. And whose idea was it to make this film two hours? Thanks some lifeless craft we get all the information we need in the first ten minutes (although bizarrely they put the cold open of the mansion after Stanfield’s introduction). And those same plot points are stretched thinner than the white sheets on the mansion’s furniture. Granted, there are one or two jokes that break up the monotony, but the ones that raise more than a chuckle are far and few between.

The costumes and set pieces are the only saving grace, but even those are rushed by quicker than the titular ride. So, most of the film is spent sitting around denying the existence of ghosts, being scared of ghosts or crying over ghosts.

Ultimately, the film can tick all the boxes it wants, but it won’t capture hearts. And you might call me harsh for shitting on a corporate kids movie, but I don’t see Sony pulling any of this crap with the Spider-Verse franchise. The way I see it, Disney had two reasons for releasing this. Either it was because they needed some straight to streaming slop in time for Halloween, or they were literally trying to create a movie for someone to fill in time while they wait in line on their phone for the real – ride. Either way, Both of us wasted a ticket.